Stress and the “Massage Parlor”

Welcome to all of the creeps that landed here because you Googled “Massage Parlor”. Now go away. Incidentally “Massage Parlor” is such a seedy-sounding term, but I just had to use it in this instance. You’ll soon see why.

To my regular readers, HEY! Thanks for swinging by to say hi (or just lurk!). I have three short stories to share with you about the relationship between stress and massage. I guarantee it’s not what you think.

Massage & Stress Story #1:

A few months ago, I went to get a painting framed in an industrial park and lo and behold I saw this establishment a few doors down:

Doesn’t this look like it should say “Massage Parlor”?

I asked the framer it if was a “Legit” place (if you know what I mean, wink wink.) He honestly did not know, but he had some suspicions because (and I quote) “the girls working there are very pretty and there are a lot of men going in & out”. Hmm.

Leave it to me to just walk in and have a look for myself. Here was the reception area:

Mellow & kinda low-brow zen in a rustic bamboo sort of way.

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Hey look! They cater to the “stars”:

Oliver Stone

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Hey wait a minute, Ollie! What are you doing with your “dear friend” Suki? Let me see your hands! Hmmm.

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The staff with Gavin McLeod. Gavin Who? He played Captain Stubing on The Love Boat- hang in there until the end of this post and you will be rewarded with a huge dose of irony.

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Suki showed me around and told me that they were booked at the moment but I could return in a couple of hours. I did just that.

I came back to find the place spotless and noticed clients and practitioners of both sexes (whew). There was a very neat and orderly towel system. I noticed the therapists washing their hands a lot. Additionally, the rooms were all “open” to the ceiling (i.e. you could hear everything going on in the whole place- this is a good thing). So far so good.

My practitioner happened to be a little gay (I think) Korean man named Chris. I might have assumed he’s gay because he was wearing a head band. Is that wrong of me? Anyway, there was no intake interview because that would require a minimal amount of English to be spoken and understood. That wasn’t going to happen. There was no health history or review of systems. No discussion of injuries. Nothing. I will say that I became a tad nervous and therefore stressed… Stressed! At the “Massage Parlor”!

Note: As a massage therapist, Heab is currently quivering in horror. I can feel it through my laptop.

So I realized that unless I wanted to just get up and leave, I would have to put my faith in this man and let my fears go for an hour.

I had my entire massage and let’s put it this way: it was the deepest and most therapeutic sports massage I had ever had. Ever. And trust me, I’ve had many. At one point, the little man jumped up on the table, straddled me and bore his elbows into my back. Crazy? Heckyeah! Unconventional? You betcha! Either way, I was now a fan. A huge fan. Heading home and feeling like a wet noodle, I deemed him to be the “The massage therapist that is so wrong… he’s right”.

Visit #1 Stress upon entering Massage Parlor: Moderate.

Visit #1 Stress upon leaving massage parlor: none.

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Massage & Stress Story #2:

Remember when my cousin Kata visited me for a girls’ week in early April? I figured that if anyone could survive and even possibly enjoy Chris, it was Kata. So I booked us each in to see him. Thankfully, she confirmed that he was in fact wonderful, if a bit sadistic.

So why was I stressed this time? I knew the place was legit. I adored my new gay (?) Korean massage therapist. No, it was the music. Let me explain.

They were playing lovely piano standards & classics. Think: Moon River, The Way you Look tonight, Stardust. (Click on these links- you won’t regret it. Then call your Dad and your Grandad in to listen too.)

Why on earth would lovely music make me stressed? Because it’s CRUISE SHIP COCKTAIL LOUNGE MUSIC and we were fast approaching our April 22 crossing from Southampton, England to NYC with my Dad & brother. The source of my stress: I was worried about re-gaining any of the weight that I had recently lost.

It’s no secret that most people have a hard time not gaining weight while on cruises. I have written several posts about it. And I can actually manage quite well, but it takes a large amount of fortitude, will-power and work. In addition, the last crossing that we did was the beginning of a ‘vacay mode’ attitude that went far beyond the duration of the trip. That trip was when I began to slowly gain at least 7 pounds over the course of the next several months. No bueno.

(note: there are lots of trip photos in those hyperlinks above, if you are interested)

So here it was early April and I had finally lost most of that weight. Now it was time to go on another big trip! I was having stress at the massage parlor listening to beautiful music! Commit me now!

Stress entering massage parlor: low

Stress leaving massage parlor: moderate

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Massage & Stress Story #3:

Fast forward to three days ago…April 22, 2010 when I was up close & personal with a few of these emasculated sarnies:

Tea sandwiches: A typical snack served at afternoon tea on Cunard Line ships and in fine establishments throughout the UK. The fact that they remove the best part of the bread (the crust) is enough to make my head spew liquid hot magma.

Yesterday, my brother and I found ourselves tucking into unphotographed cookies and Earl Grey tea at a proper Afternoon Tea service. Sadly the following is not a photo from that event:

This was from the October 2009 crossing. Nom nom (except for the cruelty to crusts)

Today I was listening to As Time Goes By on the piano.

Yet I was not on the ship.

?HUH?

Why wasn’t I on the ship yet I was partaking in Afternoon tea while listening to lovely standards on the piano? The sandwiches I made for my Dad at his house. And the cookies and tea were provided by the volunteers at USC Norris Cancer hospital. We were there for an appointment with my Dad’s oncologist.

You see, I haven’t mentioned it yet on the blog, but Dad’s lymphoma has reared it’s ugly head several times over the last years…most recently in the last few weeks. He had a round of chemo last week, and it knocked him harder than the last time, so we postponed the trip for a couple of months.

The good news: every day, he’s regaining his strength and drive. In fact the other day he OFFERED to carry my Kettle Bell to the car for me:

Next I’ll be making him do 1000 Kettlebell Swings, just to squeeze in some cardio.

And the beautiful piano music today? I was back at the “massage parlor” - under the photo of Captain Stubing (there’s your irony!) - letting Chris pummel every ounce of stress from my body.

Photo Credit

Story #3 Stress level going into massage parlor: High

Story #3 Stress level leaving massage parlor: none. Well, almost none.

Like my photo-shopping skillz?

Thanks to everyone who knows me personally and has sent all of the well-wishes to my Dad. I have passed them along. I believe that all of his “fans” are helping to bring back his energy faster ;-)

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Q: How do you deal with stress? Do you get massages? Do you get them because you are an athlete and need the body work or because it soothes your body and therefore your mind? Would you totally freak out if a little Korean man jumped on the table and straddled you? Do you like standards? (I’m secretly an old fogie) Do you wanna kick cancer’s arse like I do?

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